make believe

the boy who blocked his own shot

i received a blocked call. was it you? it's funny because i thought about calling you and hanging up. what i wouldn't give to see you, to hear your voice, to hold you, to be in our corner. to simply be happy. happily in love with the only person who sees me.

i don't know what the point is.

gone

silence again, huh? or you think i'm not listening because i changed to this new blog, with my new "attitude", my new "love". i say it, but it's not the same.

i miss you immensely. and i just wish this hole would go away.

so empty.

ballerina.

i'll never feel the weight of your hands
side mine like diamonds
lay so far ballerina
cupcake and my earthquake
wakes me from my sleep bed
never comes hardly breathing
waiting for me

i didn't really want you
but i want you now
was so foolish of me
to you feel you tumbling down
into that empty room
the lights went out
want to rescue want to scream out loud

i didn't think i needed you
but i need you now
was so empty in me
feel you crashing down
into the empty world
the music stops
want to rescue want to scream out loud
you will always be mine

the room spins
pull you from me
my body burns
tell me of the rainbows
the colors that the rain throws
ballerina dance softly
she knows when to come only
when she's called and slowly coming to

i didn't really want you
but i need you
was so foolish of me
to feel you tumbling down
into that empty room
the lights went out
want to rescue want to scream out loud

i didn't think i wanted you
but i want you now
was so empty in me
feel you crashing down
into the empty world
the music stops
want to rescue want to scream out loud
you will always be mine

so so sorry
just come back to me now
so so sorry
just come back to me now

i didn't think i wanted you
but i want you now
was so foolish of me
to feel you tumbling down
into that empty room
the lights went out
wanted to rescue want to scream out loud

i didn't think i needed you
but i need you now
was so empty in me
feel you tumbling down
into that empty room
the lights went out want to scream out loud
that you will always be mine

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

we're not bipolar. just severely depressed. bipolar requires "manic" highs. and i know you, and you don't have manic highs, and neither do i. just terrible, terrible lows.

where are you? it was supposed to be "for always and ever is always for you." what kind of best friend does what you did? what kind of best friend walks out on their best friend?

goddamn these lows. goddamn them. crash...

run...

i inadvertently watched this stupid show called hitched or ditched. and it just raised all these questions about Rob, about David, about myself.

now i just want to run. i feel boxed. i feel too closed in. i feel like i need out of a very small confined space. like i need to reinvent my exit. like i need an exit.

i choose the same guy -- Bill, David, Rob -- and they're not at all like what i believed i wanted. what i picture what i want.

i think of my life, growing old with Elena & Prashant, vacationing together as family, and neither of them are in the place next to me. and it's not like i wasn't madly, madly in love with David. i honestly believed he was the one -- my soul mate. he was the first and only person to see me completely. to know how i have lived my life in this terrible darkness. he knew it. he'd been there; he was there.

....................................................................................

amy and i were talking about the movie "Once" today, and i was talking about how every time i watch it i hope they end up together. that she changes her mind. that it works out, and i realized, that's David and i. i keep hoping the story is going to end differently. i keep hoping he'll come home. and nothing changes. he just keeps advancing his current life. he says he's happy. i just...god dammit. i just can't get angry enough about what happened to get over it.

i try. i try to push him out of my life because i know i have to if i want any real chance at being happy. as happy as i thought i've been. and i was. it was weird, and completely terrifying being so cheery and upbeat. but i suppose it hasn't lasted. i can feel the change coming. i can feel my slow, but steadfast retreat into solitude. into isolation.

this is how it goes. and it's exactly why i don't think Rob can handle it. but i guess we'll see...if i stay that is.

heart and soul

i am having a hard time being out here alone. being so far from my friends & family. i can't wait for Rob to get here. just over 3 weeks until he visits, but 3 months until he comes out here permanently. it's a long time, but i guess i won't be without him for longer than 2 months.

still it's difficult. my trip home definitely helped us solidify our relationship. it made me figure out i was in love with him. he treats me well. he loves me, even though i'm a depressed mess. he makes me laugh like i've never laughed. he tells me he loves me all the time. calls on the phone and says, "hello, love of my life." it's nice to be missed. it's nice to not be a secret. it's nice that someone is sure they love me. worth taking a chance on.

but now i know what it means to grow into loving someone. i also know it's possible to be in love more than once. while i love him very much. i love him quite differently than i loved David. David was that once in a lifetime, out of this world, fireworks, soul mate kind of love.

unfortunately he made the wrong decision to leave me. but i made the right one in leaving him. no more having his cake and eating it too. i couldn't take it anymore. i couldn't take the abuse. he used me, and i let him because i loved him. but now i see i deserve better. to not be a secret. to be the love of someone's life.

i see now that happiness is possible. i have no doubt i will have bad lows. tis the nature of my mind. but now i have great highs. i have joy and love and laughter. such great laughter. it's a good life.